Monday, March 24, 2014

Why I love, #sorrynotsorry

My teen daughter brought home a lovely turn of phrase last summer. I am not sure where she picked it up, but it has become a common phrase in our home. It is a common hash tag on Twitter. It is everywhere.

Sorry, not sorry.

When she first started using this phrase, it made me annoyed. I though she was just being rude, glib, and generally unkind. Sometimes she was. Sometimes we all are those negative things. Then I realized she was just being honest.

We live in a world of false apologies. We hear disgraced public figures say..

"I am so sorry if my words offended you"
"I apologize if my actions caused harm"
"I am sorry but... (anything that comes after the "but" is an excuse, or utter bull****, that cancels out any true remorse)

Basically, those types of apologies deflect blame to someone for being to sensitive, not because they are indeed sorry or intend on taking personal steps to change, or make amends. Many times the apologizer is not sorry for their actions, but sorry they were caught or exposed in an incriminating situation. Carefully listen to someone next time they apologize to you or someone else. Listen for if and but. Especially if it is a public figure or corporation "apologizing" for something. It is truly remarkable how many times there is justification, or blame shifting. No actual apology for the wrong doing. A sincere apology is a truly rare thing. No one wants to say...

"I am sorry stupid statements come out of my mouth when I open it"
"I am sorry I can not keep my pants zipped"
"I am sorry I text out pictures of my junk"
(All of the above could have been public apologies of elected officials, they were not. I will not name names, you can figure it out.)

Sorry, not sorry, has become a beacon of snark filled truth & light in a world of false contrition. Yes, it is snippy. It is very teenage girl. Maybe it is even a little mean, but it is honest. If you are not sorry for what you actually did, if you are only sorry you got caught, then just be sorry that you are not sorry. Save us the trouble of listening to your insincere blathering.

I do not make my kids apologize to each other, or to me. I do talk with them when they wrong someone, or break something that was not theirs to break. We talk about how they would feel if the tables were turned, and what would they want the other person to do. Many times the "wronger" ends up writing a note or drawing a picture or apologizing to the "wronged" party. Not because I tell them they should or because it is "the right thing to do", but only because that is how they would want to treated. We do not have the forced, "I am sorry" spit out with the nasty faces and stomping away. And sometimes there is a "sorry, not sorry". Sometimes we all act with selfish intentions, and do not feel sorry about it. So do not make a false apology.

And that is why I love sorry, not sorry.

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