Back to School: Smooth Criminal Edition

We are all back to school here.  My daughter started high school.  My son is in fourth grade.  I am enrolled in online traffic school.  You know a typical day in the life of a smooth criminal.  I did not choose the life, it chose me.  Actually, I am not sure that being a chronic lead foot makes me an actual criminal.  It certainly makes me a scofflaw.  It also make me a poor example for my kids who now monitor my speed as if I just learned to drive yesterday.  Perhaps if my parents had corrected my "speedy queen" tendencies from an early age I would not be a 40 year woman enrolled in online traffic school to keep the points from being reported.  No, I am not going blame my parents, but my dad would say things like, "Give her some gas, we don't have all day" (Technically, we probably did have all day.  We lived a rather bucolic little town where not much happened.  Clearly, a breeding ground for young speed demons.).  He would also encourage passing the elderly in their long, slow sedans, once again because we did not have all day (and it turns out we did).  Okay, so I am going to blame my dad a little for my need for speed.  However, he does not read this, or even go on computers.  (Very funny aside, relating to nothing other than poking fun at my dad.  My daughter sent him a text, and he thought it broke his phone because he could not get the words off the screen for 5 minutes.)  And to be completely contrary to societal norms, I do not blame my mother at all for my descent into a life of civil infractions.  Sorry Mom, like I said earlier, the life chose me!

Back Story: Rule 4 in Action

Rule 4 for Being Human is "The lesson is repeated until learned".  (If you are not familiar with The Rules of Being Human click here).  Anyway, back in August my daughter needed to get to a clarinet sectional practice.  I am obsessed with being on time. In fact, if I am not 5 minutes early...I feel late.  Yes, it is a bit OCD (I own that).  Anyway, in my quest for her to be on time, which my OCD said needed to be five minutes early, I was driving too fast through a known speed trap. POP. Ticket. Online Traffic School.  How did I know it was speed trap?  I was pulled over in the same place several years ago.  I also see people pulled over there all the time (It is the road I travel to get to my daughter's school and my local Target).  So I knew better.  My beloved pointed out all of these things to me.  I know, but I did not choose the fast  life, the fast life chose me!  And the universe was going keep teaching me about speeding until I learned.

The worst part was not getting a ticket.  I deserved it.  This was not my most deserving act of speeding...I have gone much faster.  No, the worst part was after I finally dropped my daughter off (seven minutes late), my son said, "You were not going as fast as could have been going".
At that point he truly believed some great injustice had been done to his mom.  He did not see me as deserving of a traffic citation.  He did not want me punished.  He even said. "You are a good fast driver".
Thank you son, I am a good fast driver.  And I am still in the wrong.  Worse than that, I am a bad role model .  Rules are rules.  Rules have consequences.  In the past I have written letters to get out of tickets, or had them changed to a non-moving violation.  Basically, weaseling out of what I actually did wrong.  I knew this time I needed to accept what I did. I have accepted the actual consequences for my crime.  I paid the fine, and now I am taking a class to learn why my "good fast driving" is not as good as I believed.

My son went with me to the courthouse to pay my ticket.  He asked me if I was mad at the police now.  (after randomly recalling a song from my youth by the gangster rap group NWA...which is entirely inappropriate)  I told him I was the one that messed up, the policeman was just doing his job.  It was in the parking lot of the courthouse that my son said he would make sure I never "speeded" again.  Now I have a 9 year old parole officer.  I report to him daily, and do his laundry.

Online Traffic School

This time I may actually learn that speeding is wrong, because paying the money was easy, but taking an online class is a mild form of torture.  The course is a mandatory four hours.  It has sections that you read, and then answer 10 questions.  No big deal.  However, it is all timed.  If your read the section in 10 minutes, and the program allotted 30 minutes for that section, you have to go back and review the reading (or file your nails) for 20 more minutes until the questions pop up.  It also has these alarming yellow flashing boxes that pop up randomly with questions you need to answer within 10 seconds to prove you are indeed in front of your computer and not taking a shower, vacuuming, or doing much of anything else.  It turns out this fast driver is also a fast reader.  I could have opted to take an actual class in a classroom that lasted 4 hours.  I am pretty sure that would have killed me, or at least killed my spirit.  Online I can do a section, take a break, and go back.  As long as I finish before October 24, and pass the test with 70% correct answers.  Just so you know, my competitive nature will not let me get a 70%.  I have thus far earned 100% on all of my modules.  In a classroom setting it would have been fun to waive around a few 100% tests (that is the only upside of having actual classmates).  I did not choose the nerd life either...(it chose me).

Reforming

Honestly, for the first time in all of my driving years, which is many.  I am obeying speed limits.  Not because I particularly think that they are right, but because it is a law.  We live in a society that needs laws to keep good order.  Now it is about being a good example for my kids.  I want them to be be good drivers someday, and I am their primary example of driving, so I need to make it good and lawful.  (Yes, my beloved drives them places, but not as much as I do)  I want to be good role model.

Now back to my Traffic School Modules...

Photo Friday

Last week my kids had Friday off of school because it was the end of the semester.  It was rather cold so we resorted to a favorite activity that we do not nearly enough.  Pottery painting!  I just picked up out freshly fired creations.  Mine is the tilted pitcher that I am going to use to refill the water reservoir of the coffee machine.  We currently use a really big plastic cup with the cast of Twilight plastered on it.  We have no more Twilight fans in the house, but it holds a lot of water.  It is currently residing in the recycle bin now that the tilted pitcher is home and ready to be pressed into service.  I did intend to make the stripes in varied widths, because it adds whimsy.  And who does not need more whimsy???

Now if I may direct you attention to the stunning turtle to your left.  This is the fine work of my daughter.  She is in a turtle phase.  She even painted the masked faces of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on her nails recently.  This is as close as she is getting to having a real turtle.  They smell odd, and carry illness.  Please refrain from comments about how cute turtles are and how they make wonderful pets.  I am not adventurous in my pet keeping ways. Cats, dogs, and fish...and the fish was a bit of folly really.  Fish are even too exotic.  So I hope she loves her the turtle she painted.  It is lovely, and odor free.
My son was very happy to see the Iron Man piggy bank.  Iron Man is his favorite of all the super hero types.  He likes that Tony Stark made himself into a super hero through his own thinking and inventing. I suppose that it seems like the most attainable way of becoming an action hero.  He also does not want to subject himself to excessive gamma rays, get bit by a spider, or the other painful ways that mortals become superheros. Yes, we have talked about the best and worst ways to become a super hero.  Thor and Superman had it easy being born into greatness.  I am impressed that he has figured out his limits, but is still striving for being a super hero.  Not to mention Tony Stark has a pretty kick butt collection of cars, and rather plush living conditions.

Happy Weekend.  Don't overdose on chips and guacamole during the Super Bowl.  I am officially rooting for the team coached by a Harbaugh to win.  My odds in Vegas are stellar.

***Note:  I really tried to make the title "Photo Phriday" or "Foto Friday", but I could not stand the cutesy misspelling.  My love for alliteration has it limits.

Five for Friday

Let me tell you about the embarrassment of riches that will become today's post.  All week I have writing down my random thoughts, beefs, and musings and now I have TEN things, but I must edit down to FIVE. Talk about First World Problems!  Yikes.  I hope I pick the right ones!

1. This is my nemesis.  Yes, this scary LEGO scene, haunts me.  My son has a LEGO problem.  We enable his problem by buying him LEGO products for his birthday and Christmas.  We also let him use his allowance money to by LEGOs.  He is a brickmaster, and  his creations are really cool and creative.  He made me a LEGO mobile phone holder, which has cut down on my search time for my phone (Thanks kid).  However, the problem is we have a ton of little bricks and mini figures all over the house.  I can  not tell you how many times I have stepped on those tiny bricks with bare feet...OUCH.  I have bled from LEGO related trauma. This summer my son cut his hand with scissors when opening a box of LEGOs he received as a birthday gift.  The cut required 3 stitches, yes, the laceration was that deep.  Even after this injury, his passion for the bricks is still in full force.  I have a love /hate relationship with this toy.  It has given so much joy, and so much pain.  I have a feeling that I need to come to terms with LEGOs, find some peace with these hard little bricks. I will work on it.
2. Off the diet soda.  Yes, I have given up my secondary source of caffeine.  Cold turkey.  Just decided I am not drinking soda anymore.  I am prone to capricious acts of foolishness.  It is in my DNA.  Pretty much everyday at 1 pm I have a diet soda.  Twelve days ago I decided to drink water instead, because it is healthy, hydrating, and contains no caffeine.  Here is how it is going...the first two days I thought my head was going split open.  The third day, I took a nap.  The fourth day, it became a vendetta.  I was refusing to return to my carbonated ways.  Once the vendetta stage starts I am usually pretty solid.  I have noticed that I also have less of an appetite in the afternoon.  That is a good thing. I will likely never give up coffee aka my primary source of caffeine (also the only reason I will get out bed).  Pretty sure the notion will never even cross my mind.
3. Insomnia sucks.  I have long suffered from sleeplessness.  Also part of my DNA, I have family members that are also crappy sleepers. It pretty much blows.  I have noticed that I have been sleeping better since I gave up the afternoon diet soda.  Sadly, not a 100% solution.  The upside of insomnia is late night infomercials.  I am serious, there are some crazy products.  Even more, the people that are shilling these products are hilarious.  I do miss Billy Mays, he was the king of the infomercial   His loud and over the top style is often imitated, but can never be duplicated.  I know that watching screens is discouraged when you are an insomniac, but it is what we do.  Sometimes I read, but mostly I am trying to numb and slow down my brain so I can sleep, and the infomercial is perfect for slowing down the brain.  If you also suffer insomnia, I feel your pain.  I often wish there was some sort of insomniac "bat signal" people could put in the sky, so fellow sleep challenged could see it and then we could all meet up, chat, and pass the time until the rest of the world wakes up.  It makes no sense to call, or text a fellow sufferer, as they may actually having a great night's sleep.  It is a tricky situation.
4. Running errands after working out. Practical? Or cruelty to those who must see, and perhaps smell you? Discuss.  I have been opting to run a few errands after my workouts this week.  Mostly because I was driving past places I needed to go on my drive home.  It has been difficult.  I not a huge fan of going out in public in yoga pants, but I really was exercising, so it is legit.  I do not feel great about it.  It is causing inner turmoil...maybe that is why I do not sleep so well???
5. Downton Abbey.  If you are not watching Downton Abbey on PBS, you are missing a great drama.  The cast is beyond amazing, Dame Maggie Smith (aka Professor McGonagall, of Harry Potter fame), is the Dowager Countess.  It is worth watching just to hear Dame Maggie's one liners.  Downton Abbey is the story of an aristocratic family in the early 20th century.  It makes you realize how much times have changed in just a short 90-100 years.  The roles of women, how the classes interact, it is all a beautiful history lesson laid out for us on a lovely English country estate.  Give it a try.  The first season is on the streaming Netflix.  If you are already a fan, than you can understand why Sunday at 9 pm is pretty much my favorite television viewing time of the week.  

Have a great weekend.  I will keep adding to my list of crazy musings, and I will be back with you next week.   

The Bus Stop

Every school day I walk my son to his bus stop. I also pick him up each afternoon, well occasionally my daughter will go pick him up, but generally it is me. The thing I find remarkable is the amount of parents that drive their child to and from the bus stop. There are people who live just houses away from the stop that drive each and everyday, and then return home. This has happened for years. I have always thought it was odd, but to each his own. I happen to enjoy the time we are walking and talking. It is a small moment that we enjoy. Today two or the driver parents were standing by the line, their cars still running, complaining about gas prices. Am I the only one that finds it completely absurd that someone is STANDING next to their RUNNING car that is five houses away from their home complaining about gas prices? I was literally biting my tongue so I would not say something. I really do bite one my tongue to keep my words inside. Just thinking,"do not say anything", is often not enough for me. I honestly was shocked by the stupidity of the whole situation. First of all I am annoyed daily by having to stand in the exhaust of their vehicles while waiting for my son to get on the bus. I have never understood why they leave their cars running for the five, sometimes ten minute wait for the bus. (The bus driver runs on his own special time. As soon as we assume he will arrive later, he starts arriving earlier and busses get missed. It is what it is.) Anyway, knowing that gas prices actually concern these people that I have always assumed own stock in BP, just makes me shake my head. If I were at all savvy with numbers, I would calculate how much money they could save not driving to the bus stop, and also have numbers for how much money they could save not letting their care idle for five to ten minutes. I am not a numbers person, I am happy if my checkbook is within ten dollars of the actual amount. So no calculations will be made. Let us just agree they could save some cash by not driving unnecessarily. Not to mention they are missing out on great conversation with their kids on a walk to and from the bus stop. Proving my point, here are a few fun and funny facts I have learned recently in walks to or from the bus stop.

1. Some kid puked in the lunchroom (I have actually heard this on more than on occasion)
2. There is a kid in his class that looks up naughty words in the dictionary. (glad to know this is not my kid)
3. There is a fourth grader with the same shoes as his.
4. There is a kid in his class that stuffs himself in his locker to get out of going to art.
5. Some people have bad aim in the bathroom.
6. Various funny things his teacher says and does. She is a great person and a fun teacher.
7. Why anacondas are cooler than chimpanzees, and why he switched from being a chimp to an anaconda for a project.
8. Tooth fairy theories, there are many. A new one for each lost tooth.
9. Countless car facts and buying suggestions for my next vehicle purchase.
10. Utter disgust at how much I do not care about what I drive. I shame him with my belief that a car just gets you from point A to point B. He is a car guy, and this is poison to his ears. It is also a lively ongoing debate.

Theses are some, and just a very superficial few, conversations we have going to or coming from the bus stop. It is perhaps a few of the very best minutes of my day. I know that the jokes we have made up, the rabbits we have named, and the memories we have built are as precious as diamonds to me. And we are not polluting the environment with anything but our laughter.